Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
