I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
