I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
