I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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