she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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