Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
