our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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