Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize