I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
