24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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