i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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