my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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