Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Randomize
