i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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