i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
