You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize