You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
3 2 1 whiskey
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
