good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize