i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
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