I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize