i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
