My Higher Power is John Stamos
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
You smell like stripper and shame
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Randomize
