She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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