Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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