Where is the hickey?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
