Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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