Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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