One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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