Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
