Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
