Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
