we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
