Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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