He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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