Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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