It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
