the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
