I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
