I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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