I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
