I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
