i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize