i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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