cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
