So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
