Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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