I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Come see our sink grown plant.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
