at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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