By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
