i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
