I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
