Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
