i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
