Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
