Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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