no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
