shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
