What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
They have beer where we have blood.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
