she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
