So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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