She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
