if i can run in heels then i can drive
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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