I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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