SEEEEXXX PLEASE
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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