I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
